Author’s Note

This piece is a sarcastic comment on unfinished essays. There is lots of sarcasm in this piece. I understand all of the issues regarding essays and this article does not mean to judge anyone who is struggling to finish essays for an assignment. It is only meant as a joke for those of us who have submitted unfinished essays and thought “I will totally finish this later” so. . . It’s a joke!

Have you ever been in the middle of a heated argument and then you are interrupted? Maybe the phone rings, maybe the bus comes, maybe a young child interrupts you to inform you that a hotdog is indeed a sandwich. Isn’t it annoying? One moment you stand in the heat of passion ready for your next point, and the next, you are left scrambling to figure out what you were trying to say. Sometimes, you even stop arguing because you lost the reason you were so angry in the first place. Such is the phenomenon of the unfinished essay. I have done a large amount of research around the topic of unfinished essays and through deep exploration, I have concluded that most essays that were left unfinished, were not written in a fit of passion but were written for the purpose of expressing a point for a class in hopes of achieving a reasonable mark. It saddens me to think that there are some poor souls in the world who do not fully appreciate the value of an eloquent, well formatted, and fully-written essay. It is almost as if such individuals were given a task to complete a constraining essay, with a pressured deadline, on a topic that they might not connect to. This could theoretically lead to anxiety, stress, and writing an essay with a theoretical time limit of about three hours while theoretically being supervised to make sure that the ideas that writer presents in the essay are their own original response, in a theoretically cold and uncomfortable room, with a theoretical class of fellow students completing the same task in desks next to them. This is all theoretical, of course. This situation might theoretically make students feel cynical about the prospect of writing an essay which might lead to rebellion, procrastination, and lack of will. These are all culprits for the crime that is an unfinished essay.

In this essay, which I assure the reader will be finished, I will help and convince all who might be tempted into the dark path of forgotten google docs to understand the importance of finishing essays, for society, personal health, and more. The essay will then examine why someone might leave an essay unfinished (not based on real experience) and lastly, provide tips on how to finish unfinished essays. All of these points will be properly researched and documented with references of course. By the end of this essay, you will be left so convinced to finish your essays that you will drop everything, sprint to the nearest laptop, and start typing out one of your unfinished essays until it has either been completed, or you have perished in an untimely manner while attempting to complete the essay. Now without any further ado, let us dive into the world of unfinished essays.

Finishing essays can have a profoundly positive effect on the life of the writer who finished them [1]. It is common knowledge that a person who actually finishes their essays is far more likely to succeed in any chosen endeavour that they attempt to accomplish [2]. This can help said person to succeed in society. As we all know, a person’s social status is directly, and only linked to their record for finishing essays [3]. There are absolutely no other factors that play into a person's standing in our society. But if, theoretically, there were a complex set of social systems and rules in place that would dictate a person's chances of being accepted into the masses, that could, theoretically, take multiple years of dedicated research to understand (which is total and utter nonsense), finishing essays would, indeed, still be an investment for the world if this strange and ludicrous idea were true [4]. If one were to go about their life as a tragic victim of the unfinished essay, they would naturally (and undoubtedly) succumb to the guilt of the horror of their actions [5]. This would leave them feeling distressed and agitated for every waking moment of their existence until the moment that the essay is finished, which would reflect poorly on society [6]. I assure the reader that this statement is true and every person who leaves an essay unfinished has had this exact experience [7]. If an individual were to finish their essays in a short and timely manner, they could continue to go about their daily life feeling accomplished and their ability to perform everyday tasks would surely benefit from this well deserved confidence boost, which, in turn, would greatly benefit society. This point also applies to a person’s personal health, as the number one cause of anxiety was found to be guilt regarding unfinished essays [8]. There are many more parts of daily life that would be positively affected by finishing essays that are not covered in this one. If the reader is interested in a broader perspective around finishing essays and the profound ramifications, I suggest they should continue to research on their own time. 

In conclusion, finishing essays can help an individual find a sense of peace and will let them feel less stressed in their life [9]. This lack of stress will undoubtedly result positively for the individual and will be reflected in their life and in society. 

While there is no logical reason to leave essays unfinished, and I, as an esteemed researcher, still haven't found one iota of evidence as to why this happens, leaving essays unfinished is an occurrence that tragically still happens in our modern day. I have spent a great amount of time and thought over the reasons for this strange occurrence and have still come up empty handed. Even though this topic has left me utterly bamboozled, I would like to reiterate that there is no excuse for an unfinished essay. Leaving essays unfinished is an absolute crime and should not be tolerated in our modern day. It’s not like finishing essays could add to a theoretically monumental pile of work for the modern person. Finishing essays would not cause a modern person any stress over the possibility of having another thing that they must accomplish. There are no reasons at all to leave an essay unfinished. I implore the reader to finish their essays because there is no reason not to do so. There are also no external circumstances such as, theoretical sickness that would leave one bed ridden and unable to write an article, I mean essay, for the due date that might cause the article, I mean essay, to become delayed or unfinished. As we all know, our society is completely and utterly devoted to finishing essays so there are also no other more pressing activities that might require our attention. It’s not like the reader reading this essay might have exams or homework or housework or work a job that might be somehow more important than finishing an essay that they theoretically started in grade four. So despite my unfortunate lack of evidence, I would like to invite the reader to come and finish their essays because there is no reason not to do so, and there are no activities that are more pressing than writing essays. 

While I still do not understand the reason for leaving essays unfinished, I do have the perfect system to combat leaving essays unfinished. By following the suggestions below, the reader will become equipped with all of the knowledge they might require to never leave an essay unfinished again. My first point for how to finish an essay is as follows, What? You weren't supposed to be able to read this. Now my beautiful sarcastic unhelpfulness is gone! Don’t you understand the great joy and irony it is to have a list of life saving tips that no one can actually read? Why have you done this? This tip will definitely help you because it allows you to seriously stop it! Why you be like this? Just read the article! Ignore the text behind the strikethrough! Which in turn brings me to my next tip, which is not disrupting the beautiful highlighting! Just leave me alone. . . . . . . please?.  . . . . . . please?. . . . . . You are getting on my nerves, which will totally change the way you write essays. Finally the most important thing you can do is I’m not talking to you anymore! Don’t you realize what you have done? You have required me to fill this space with substance, instead of letting me fill it with a gazillion spaces and yes, I know that gazillion is not a word you would want to use in an essay, but no one is actually going to see this so I can say what I want. I wonder if my editors would let me get away with swearing here? Only one way to find out, F- So in conclusion, something something something something something, silly little highlight breakers, something something something. There, you see? No infinite wisdom, no tips or tricks or ways to combat the pressures of education well I do have one last tip, which is-

Leaving essays unfinished is a tragic event that happens in our society. There is no reason for this to be the case. People who finish their essays are more likely to succeed personally and in society. To combat finishing essays we can come up with a better system for hiding text than strikethrough and take a minute to reflect on what it is we are even saying. I mean, let's be real. No one is actually gonna read this right? Isn’t that the point?  With all of the points made in this essay the reader should understand why they should finish their essays, and the reader should feel ready and equipped to finish them. Remember the most important lesson to be taken from this article is to finish your essays. Do not just leave your readers hanging. The is most important because of my final point which is t

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