I (a self-proclaimed connoisseur of terrible films) have slogged through roughly 15 yuletide films of little to no substance to prepare for you, loyal Victoria Voice reader, a top five list of the worst Christmas movies on Netflix.

Through my toilsome research process, I have created the perfect bad holiday movie formula. Follow it, and you too will be able to deduct which Christmas flicks deserve the title of truly awful.

THE FORMULA:

1 main character (must be single and conventionally attractive) + 1 love interest who will either teach or be taught the meaning of Christmas + 1 suspiciously Santa-esque character + any number of dead loved ones to honour during Christmas (generally a spouse or parental figure) + a MAXIMUM of 2 people of colour. Seriously, there is no representation whatsoever + snow that doesn’t look like snow = The ideal bad Christmas movie

5) Christmas Crush

Alternative title that I have made up so you get a feel for the movie: Glee, But With 40-year-Olds, Bad Singing, and No Gay Characters. So Not Glee.

Christmas Crush follows a woman hoping to reconnect with an old boyfriend at a holiday party. That’s it. That’s the whole movie. It’s just this lady running around her old highschool and singing. It was boring but not painful enough to score any higher on my list. Not very full of holiday cheer and not really worth a watch. Just bad in an unfunny way.

Highlight: The awkward dance numbers accompanied by obvious dubbing of other people singing.

4) Merry Kissmas

Alternative Title: The Bachelor, But She Chooses Between a Toxic Relationship Or A Nice Guy In An Elevator

This movie is a real trainwreck. I was worried for the main character, as at the start she’s in a seriously problematic relationship. Thank goodness she swiftly gets stuck in an elevator and kisses a strange man she has never met. (The elevator is later revealed to be magical in a long-winded bit of dialogue that in no way fits with the movie). The entire film felt like I was watching two Amazon Alexas try and mimic regular human conversation. The writing for the dialogue is the reason Merry Kissmas made the list, as every sentence is so focused on moving the plot forward that it would be most effective if the actors said every line directly into the camera.

Highlight: There is a very cute dog in one scene.

3) Christmas With a View

Alternative Title: I’m Dating Bobby Flay (And He Works At My Restaurant)

A celebrity chef is hired at the restaurant Clara works at. He’s a big shot, but oh so predictably, she’s a tough woman and needs him to prove himself. Anyways, they fall in love but OH NO she wants to move back to the Big City™ just as the chef decides to move to the town with her. The food looks really great, but once again there is very little plot. Christmas With a View really only made the list because of the inexplicable amount of greenscreen used in it and dialogue similar to that of Merry Kissmas.

Highlight: The chef spills soup on himself more than once and his immediate reaction is to take off his shirt. Of course.

2) The Knight Before Christmas

Alternative Title: We Get It, He’s a Knight (Insert Overused 2000’s Slang)

Strap in, because this one’s a real doozy. It follows a 14th century knight who is sent forwards in time by a witch and falls in love with a highschool science teacher in Ohio. You know, because that happens. Moving on from the awful plot and convoluted timeline, 90% of this movie is failed jokes about how the knight doesn’t understand modern technology. The other 10% is him hitting things with his sword. The movie fails to deliver a single effective joke about the culture shock of travelling to the 21st century, yet tries to for the entire 92 minutes. Desperately.

Highlight: Holy product placement Batman! The amount of Fiji water bottles they drink is at least 16, but I only started counting halfway through the movie and don’t have the strength to sit through it again.

1) Christmas Break-In

Alternative title: Dollar Store Home Alone, WIthout the Things That Make Home Alone Enjoyable

This movie will be the bane of my existence. I have watched a ridiculous amount of bad movies in my life but this is up there with one of the worst of all time. It’s about a 9-year-old with an affinity for guitars who is forgotten by her parents at her school during a snowstorm when three burglars break in to seek shelter. She of course saves the day with her zany booby traps and her best friend who is a janitor at her school. I can’t even explain how bad this one is. It feels like the actors were trying to cover up how bad they are at acting by acting even worse.

Highlight: The kid (who’s main personality trait is how much she likes guitars) plays a single chord in the entire movie.

So that concludes it for my list of the worst Christmas movies. This was all done for fun, and I don’t mean to offend you if you like these movies. Enjoy your winter break, and stay safe!