Opinion: The Petition to Sell Montana to Canada
Yes. You read the title correctly. This is a real thing. So let’s dive right in.
The petition came about after the US national debt rose to a whopping $22 trillion in early February, and has already gained over 12,000 signatures, although it is unknown how many are actually from people living in Montana.
On the proposal, it reads, “We have too much debt and Montana is useless. Just tell them it has beavers or something.” This is a fair statement, as we do love our beavers here. The proposed price for the state is $1 trillion, but is Montana really worth that much?
To determine this, I have created some criteria for the optimal province. To be worth $1 trillion, Montana must have a steady beaver and moose population, consume a hefty amount of maple syrup, have some potential for a hockey team, and have a low number of franchise coffee shops (so Tim Hortons won’t have competition when they inevitably take over the local economy).
The beaver population in Montana is abundant, as there are no laws restricting the hunting of beavers. Beavers reside in Montana all year round. The wild moose population is estimated to be around 5,000 and are mainly found in western Montana. Things are looking good so far.
Next up is maple syrup consumption. Trust me, I really tried to find a satisfying answer here but unfortunately there isn’t concrete documentation of maple syrup consumption in this state. What I do know is that Montana isn’t even in the top ten producers in the US. I suppose they’ll learn to love it.
Now we’ll look at hockey team potential. Montana doesn’t have an NHL team and there was only one NHL player from Montana in recent history. Not only do they not have a strong hockey base, but statistically, most residents from Montana cheer for the Colorado Avalanche.
It would seem to me that Tim Horton’s biggest competitor would be Montana Coffee Traders, which has three establishments in the whole state. Although they average a 4.5 rating on Yelp and look fairly quaint and inviting to me, I have no doubts that Tim’s would quickly have a monopoly over the local coffee market.
Considering these facts and that I very much enjoyed my summer vacation to Montana a few years ago, I would wholeheartedly endorse the purchase of the state. This is my official request to the Canadian government to go big or go home.
-Grace Tunski, The Victoria Voice School Newspaper
